When two nursing home residents, Art and Frieda, started to hold hands, kiss, and often enjoy one another’s company, family members became livid. Why? Art and Frieda are married but not to each other.
When family members attempted to intervene by contacting and asking the elderly home staff to prohibit contact between the two, the ethics ruling body answered that that the autonomy of the couple superceded the wishes of the family. Not just that, but when it came to taking care of the elderly, the staff had no right to keep the two apart nor administer medicine to “dampen” their needs. This case, reported from Sweden, reflects that adultery is a developing issue for senior citizen homes, nursing home staff, and nursing home patient family members. How should family members make a response to this sort of infidelity in marriage?
Family members can help each other by first considering whether this attraction is due to whom Dad truly is (chatty, funny, gregarious) or if some character change has happened due to dementia. After the primary shock, families who see Dad spending time with somebody in the nursing home who isn’t his wife frequently report how contented he looks and how much joy they appear to share.
If a personality change has happened, the attraction may be a reflection of this different personality and not a mirrored image of the dad they love and remember. If a cognitive delinquency has occurred (long term memory disfunction) then families must consider this: if we cannot recall past promises, are we morally bound by them? Many poignant movies have been created about an individual successfully wooing his partner who has forgotten her promises due to brain injury or dementia. This is a passionate portrayal, nevertheless, the truth of the matter is that spouses of disloyal dementia patients feel betrayed.
Emotional trouble increases if Dad has had a history of cheating. Family members can make a response to this by supporting Mom, each other, and getting outside help if necessary.
Dr. Kate Walker is an Approved Professional Advisor in the Woodlands, Texas. Her article summarizes the difficulty of being exposed to adultery in senior citizen homes while taking care of the elderly.